okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
