He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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