Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
