I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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