I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
