Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
