Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
