Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
