I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
did i walk over a car last night?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
