I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
