I just saw a hot homeless man
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
