how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
