this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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