you have to choose: penises or morals?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
