You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
