you guys were way drunker than both of me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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