i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
