i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
