I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
