I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
