I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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