it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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