what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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