every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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