Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
