I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
