You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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