I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
