I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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