My hand turned me down
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
