Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
