I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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