be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
