i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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