her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
