Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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