omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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