he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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