I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
