Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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