her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
