Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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