i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
