im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wanna passion pit in your ass
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
