if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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