there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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