Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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