My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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