After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
