Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
