i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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