I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
