"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
