She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
