I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
