she woke up with a sticky ear
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
