my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
