i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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