No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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