I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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