Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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