Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(317): View more from Indiana

We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

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(914): View more from New York

I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.

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(214): View more from Texas

Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?

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